If I Had It To Do Over...What Would I Change?

Now that both of my children are school age, I thought it was relevant to reflect back on the previous 7 years and ask myself if there is anything I would change about how I balanced work with family with being a mom. After my first child, I went back to work half time from the time that she was 3 months old to around 7 months or so. I ended up moving up to full time for a promotion. With my second child (almost 2 years later), I came back 30 hrs/week for a couple months and then had to come back full time. Both of my kids went to in home daycare up to around age 18 months, at which point they went to a preschool with before/after school care.

So, if I had it to do over, would I have changed anything? I think I would have worked half time longer. Babies don't stay babies forever, and whereas I don't feel like I missed out excessively...it is a lot harder to go back to a part time work schedule after going to a full time work schedule.

On my childcare choices, I don't think I would change a thing (Considerations on choosing child care will be a post for another day.). I personally was struggling with putting my 3 month old in a larger daycare situation. A friend offered to keep my first child for me while I worked part time. When I converted to full time when she was 7 months old, I had to look into additional options (ugh) and was greatly blessed to find a wonderful woman offering in home daycare with only 4 children total. She became a wonderful resource for my million childcare questions and is still a part of our lives today. My children's preschool cost a little more than some other typical options; however, it was important to me that the basis of the program be a true school (some children came for school only) and, if possible, there be a religious background. My kids actually ended up at a Jewish school (although we are not Jewish) that is about 2 minutes away from my office. I loved them being so close to my office that I could easily drop in for day time programs, when they got sick at school, etc.

Working Mom Guilt

Well, I made it...less than a year between posts. :) I debated what my next post should be. I've been a Two Job Mom for over 6 years now and have learned a lot, but I know there are quite a few of you out there that know even more than I do! Then, it hit me...one of the things I struggle most with, it seems, is guilt. I don't think this is unique though to working moms - I just think that having a job outside the home adds another layer to the guilt that every mom feels. It was especially timely, as I had a major guilt mom guilt attack on Friday when I went to Muffins with Mom at my daughter's school...everything was fun until it was time for me to leave and then tears, clinging to my waist & "Don't go mom!"...heartbreaking!

There is the guilt you have while you're at work - missing out on a child's school program/class party/field trip, wiping away tears from your child's eyes when you drop them off at daycare/preschool, realizing you forgot a project at home for your child's school (FYI - that last one can happen to any mom and has!), taking a work phone call after you've picked up your kids, etc.. Then, you have the guilt when you're not at work - not being able to stay late to help on a certain project, not being able to take on a special assignment because you can't put in the extra time, missing a work deadline, etc.

The hardest day for me as a working mom was my first day back at work from maternity leave with my first child. I honestly had not been apart from my daughter ever in the first three months of her life. I drove away from my friend's house with tears in my eyes as I drove away with an empty back seat and a heavy heart. I was working half days, but that four hours seemed SO long to me. I did make it through, and I started to enjoy having my challenging time at work and then my time with my daughter, which had its own set of challenges. :)

I can tell you that early on, I struggled with extreme guilt in missing work for illnesses, doctor's appointments...feeling like I had to prove that I could do it all. I'm not saying that I didn't miss work because nothing compares to mom (my husband has always been very gracious to help me out in some binds though). Then, once my son was born, it got more complicated. Two kids' activities, two classrooms, two sets of field trips, two sets of birthday parties...it honestly is hard to be at every activity. The realization I came to though (after some time to mature & reflect) is that I only have my kids for a short time, and I need to be at as many programs/activities/field trips as I can. I schedule my work meetings around kid activities - sometimes this means having to work late from home to make up for that time or meet deadlines.

I'm not going to say I've been at everything (when I can't go, I try to have Daddy at least attend - between the two of us, I think we've only missed one field trip), but I have pretty much been at all of my kids' major school activities and quite a few minor ones too. I do think that some of this has had some impact on my career advancement, but personally for me, I didn't want to look back and wish I had been more involved in my kids' lives...and it is worth the sacrifice. I finally had to establish my "dealbreakers", i.e., things I absolutely couldn't miss and arrange everything else around that (work meetings, "me" time, date night with my hubby, etc.). I'll tackle things like "me" time, etc. in a different post. :)

I wanted to end this with a post with a poem from Erma Bombeck written near the end of her life. I'm also giving you permission to not feel like you have to be Superwoman/Supermom/Super employee. I would encourage you to determine your own dealbreakers though and stand by them. :)

If I Had My Life to Live Over
by Erma Bombeck

If I had my life to live over, I would have talked less and listened more.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten the popcorn in the "good" living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.
I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.
I would have never insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would ahve sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and mroe while watching life.
I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.
I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.
I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.
Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetously, I would have never said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you's". More "I'm sorry's".
But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

A sure sign you have 2 jobs...

Like a lot of things, I start out with great intentions and then, life happens! One year later, I finally am getting around to writing my first blog post. Interestingly enough, tonight I was watching an episode of "Family Ties" recently...one where the mom, Elise, goes back to work as an architect after being a stay at home mom for 12 years. In the episode, she works herself frantically trying to trying to be Super Mom and trying to be Super Architect at the same time...and wearing herself out in the process.

Have you been there? Do you look around at others in your workplace and feel like you have to outdo everyone else to prove yourself? Do you find yourself looking around at other moms in your circle of friends or in your child's class and feel this pressure to keep up with the Jones's? It can be exhausting! The world we live in today tells us that women can have it all, should have it all and must have it all now. I've been a working mom for 6-1/2 years now, and it is definitely a learning process! It is so funny because a lot of people see the "calm, cool, collected" Jessica that "has it all together" when it comes to balancing motherhood with being a "successful" career woman. Only my husband sees some of the frantic episodes that occur more frequently than you think. Luckily he doesn't rat me out. ;)

So I'm going to burst your bubble...no one really "has it all", but instead finds what works for them. One thing I have really struggled with is finding a true mentor in my work place - someone who I look at & think - I want to do it exactly how she does it. In the field of engineering, that is honestly quite challenging. There doesn't seem to be much of a happy median between workaholic and stay at home mom. What I have ended up deciding was to just blaze my own trail. Once I had children, some of my workaholic tendencies had to either be given up or modified...and recognize that some things might mean some delays in the progression of my work life. This world tells us that women these days can have it all and have it right now. I have recently become very convicted that patience is a virtue that has quickly been dissolving in our world. To honestly have it all "right now", you are going to have to sacrifice something. If what you truly desire is your career, some sacrifices will be required in your family life. If what you truly desire is being at every single event/program for your kids, it will require some sacrifices in your career...so the "right now" becomes "not yet"...not "never", just "not yet". The hard part sometimes is becoming OK with that.

How did I become OK with that you might ask? A lot of prayer! I am the first to admit that I can be one of the world's worst about taking things into my own hands instead of waiting for God's direction. I recently had one of these times...I leaned heavily on my own abilities and ended up frustrated, which spills over into all facets of your life. I did finally come to a point where I came on my knees to God, asking for his path for my life. I'll admit that the answer I got wasn't exactly what I expected, but God granted me with a true peace about it. Often times, we feel like it's not "OK" to be content with taking pride in being a mom or in being a wife...

Well, this post turned out to be rather long, but I did want to sum it up with Scripture. I know the type of woman I want to be...she's not perfect, but she works hard. She is a helpmate to her husband. She is a guide to her children. She honors the Lord in all she does. Some selected verses from Proverbs 31 (NIV):

10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.